Jokes I Like

Taxed

2006-04-18T19:43:00.000-07:00

"How have you managed to buy such a luxurious beach house while your income is so low"? asked the tax auditor.

"Well," the taxpayer answered, "while fishing last summer, I had caught a large golden fish. When I took it off the hook, the fish opened his mouth and said,

'I am a magical fish. Throw me back to the sea and I'll give you the most luxurious beach house you have ever seen.'

I threw the fish back to the sea, and got the beach house."

"How can you prove such an unbelievable story"?

"Well, you can see the beach house, can't you"?

Foreigners

2006-04-18T19:39:00.001-07:00

A teacher in a rather backward, rural area in Alabama attempted to　broaden the outlook of her class. She asked the students to write an essay on his views of foreigners. All turned in more or less acceptable pieces except for little Billy, whose essay, in full, was "All foreigners are bastards."

The shocked teacher made no direct comment but devoted her next lecture to a description of Greek architecture, Roman law, English drama, German music, Italian poetry, Russian novels, Chinese philosophy and African sculpture. She then asked the class to write another essay on foreigners. When she finally got little Billy's paper it said, in full,

"All foreigners are bastards. Some are clever bastards."

2006-04-18T19:39:00.000-07:00

Perception

2006-04-18T19:01:00.000-07:00

Two convicts are released from prison as they stand at the bus stop waiting one ex-con turns to the other and says 'man i'm horny' the other ex-con replies 'yea me too'

The first ex-con tells the second 'well hey man we've been locked up for awhile and we know how it works. how about you let me do you and then you can do me?'

The second ex-con agrees, pulls down his pants and the first ex-con does him. So then it's the other's turn, and as he starts to mount his fellow ex-con he starts kissing the back of his neck and gently rubbing his back... when suddenly the bent over ex-con looks back and says

'hey man none of that fag shit'

QA Session

2006-04-16T20:03:00.000-07:00

A man was stopped by a policeman for speeding, and does a lot of pleading, trying to get out of the ticket. The policeman says

"Okay, I'll ask you a question. If you answer correctly, I'll forget about the ticket!"

"Agreed!" answers the speeder. "You're driving at night, and two lights appear in front of you. What is it?"

"That's easy! It's a car!"

"Sure! But, what kind of car? Is it a Ford? Is it a Chevy? Is it a Saab, what?", says the policeman, and begins to write the ticket.

"Wait! Give me another chance!" begs the guy.

"Okay, but this is your last chance! You fail to answer - you get the ticket!"

"Fair enough." "You're driving at night, and a light appears in front of you. What is it?"

"That's easy! It's a motorcycle!"

"Sure! But, what kind of bike? Is it a Honda? A Suzuki? Is it a Harley?"

"How the hell should I know!" answered Ray, exasperatedly.

"Sorry, you're getting the ticket!" responded the officer.

"Yeah, well okay. But let me ask you a question too then."

"Go ahead" "You see a bare breasted woman standing at the curve, bargaining with clients, what is it?" asks the guy.

"Oh, that's easy!" replies the officer. "It's a hooker!"

"Sure! But, what kind of hooker? Is it your mother? Is it your sister? Is it your daughter?"

quick-thinking

2006-04-16T20:00:00.000-07:00

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy,

"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really," replied the manager? "My wife is from Canada!"

"No shit??" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

All you can eat

2006-04-16T19:56:00.000-07:00

A small aircraft crash landed in the middle of the desert and the pilot and copilot wandered around for days and days with nothing to eat.

Finally the co-pilot announced: "I'm so hungry, I'm going to chop off my dick and eat it."

"No, no, don't do that yet," the pilot urged. "Just think of your girlfriend."

"What's the point?" the other man said. "At this rate I will never see her again anyway."

"I don't mean it like that," the pilot replied. "It's just that if you think of her first, hopefully there will be enough for the both of us.

Father

2006-04-16T19:52:00.000-07:00

"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?"

He replied, "I'm going to be a father."

But that's wonderful," I said.

"What's so wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet."

Stupid Wives

2006-02-19T18:06:00.000-08:00

Three businessmen were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale and we don't even have a fridge big enough to keep it in."

The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments. "She doesn't even know how to drive!"

The third, a blonde male, nods sagely and agrees that these two woman sound like they are pretty stupid.

However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every time I think of it," he chuckles.

"My wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bags and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. She doesn't even have a penis!"

Lord of the Rings

2006-02-19T18:01:00.000-08:00

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "

I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very pissed-off jeweler phoned the old man.

"There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

Billie Jean

2006-02-07T21:57:00.000-08:00

Three expectant fathers, an American, an African, and a Frenchman were in the hospital waiting room. A doctor comes in and announces that he has some good news and some bad news.

"The good news is that you each are the father of a healthy baby boy.The bad news is that we've mixed them up."

The three new fathers walk into the nursery. The Frenchman goes right to the african baby, picks him up and starts rocking him.

"What are you doing?" the african guy asks, "That is obviously my son."

"I know," said the Frenchman, "but I didn't accidentally want to get the American kid."

Morals

2006-02-07T21:48:00.000-08:00

I was happy. My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way; my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my girlfriend's younger sister. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, which made me feel uncomfortable. One day she called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I got married and committed my life to her sister, she wanted to make love to me just once?

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me. I just watched her ass as she went up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house.

The whole family was standing outside and with tears in their eyes, and my girlfriend's father hugged me and said, we are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test.We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

Moral of the story:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

Down Under

2006-02-01T22:57:00.000-08:00

These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website

1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow?(UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street?(USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney- can Ifollow the railroad tracks?(Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water. . .

4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise.(Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and HerveyBay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not ...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is. .... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, right after the hippo races. Come naked.

11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia?(France)
A: Only at Christmas.

16. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

17. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

18. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

19. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

20. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

Deep Shit

2006-02-01T22:17:00.000-08:00

At dawn the telephone rings.

"Hello, Senor Lucky? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that your parrot died.

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor,that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird."What did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Senor"

Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water
cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on
fire."

"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor."

WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"

"Your wife's, Senor...She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she
was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."

SILENCE...................

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"

Justified Profanity

2006-02-01T22:10:00.000-08:00

A group of nuns were traveling in a car when it had a flat tire. They got out and attempted to change it, but being rather unworldly, they had no idea how to go about it. Fortunately, a truck came along and the driver offered to change it for them. They gratefully accepted.

As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack.

"Son-of-a-bitch!" he screamed.

"Sir, that is inappropriate language," the eldest nun said.

"We understand you're upset, but must you use such language?"

"My apologies, Sister," he replied, and tried again. It slipped again and nearly smashed his fingers.

"Son-of-a-bitch!" he screamed.

"Please, sir, we would ask you again to not use such language," the nun scolded.

"If changing our tire is causing you to do so, perhaps it would be best if you didn't help us."

"I'm sorry, Sister, but I get so upset that it just comes out," the trucker replied.

"Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset. Say something like 'Dear Lord, help me'."

Once more, the trucker attempted to jack up the car and again it slipped. He began to blurt out "Son..." but quickly caught himself and said, "Dear Lord, help me."

At that, the car miraculously rose into the air all by itself.

Staring in amazement, the nuns exclaimed, "Son-of-a-bitch!"

Nipples!

2006-02-01T22:07:00.000-08:00

Southeast Treatment Plant, this is Dave...

"Is this the water department?"

Yes Ma'am, for most of this area...

"Good. I have some very technical questions to ask you about the water"

I'll try and help...

"Why are my nipples getting so hard?"

You're not really serious...

"I AM SO!! My nipples... they're hard and they have this white coating on them!"

Uhhhh, huh... hard, uhhh, nipples with white, uhh... stuff...

"Not only that, they're getting warped!"

I see...

"They used to be soft, pink and round!"

I'm sure they were...

"Now they really look disgusting!"

I'm sure they do...

"So I want to know what you're going to do about this!"

I really don't think I can help you. Have you discussed this with your personal physician?

"Yes I have! He said I should call you because he thought it was from the water!"

I see... uhhhh, just why and how does he think the water is causing this?

"He said cleaning them in boiling water sometimes does that."

Sounds painful... can't you just sponge them off?

"Painful?! THE BABY BOTTLE NIPPLES ARE THE ONES I'M TALKING ABOUT!"

UUUhhhhhh.. Now I understand...

"Are you going to buy me new ones?"

Why would we do that?

"Because your water ruined these. My baby won't suck them anymore. He's been sick and I think it's from the white stuff... he used to really suck..."

May I ask how old your baby is?

"He's six, going on seven"

Six... and he refuses the bottle? Maybe he's getting a little old for the bottle...

"DON'T TELL ME HOW TO RAISE MY CHILD!"

I wasn't. How long have you been using these nipples?

"Since he was born"

Hmmmmm. My guess is the white film is from the calcium carbonate in the water... kind of like bathtub ring of the nipple... and they are hard and warped because of being boiled and bitten for six years...

"So! You are refusing to pay!"

Well, that's not for me to decide. I was only trying to suggest they might just be plain worn out.

"THEY WOULDN'T BE WORN OUT IF YOUR WATER WAS ANY GOOD!"

There is really nothing more I can do for you...

"JUST HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY MONEY?"

Well, why don't you just run down to our main office. There you can file an insurance claim...

"What good would that do? Will they give me the money?"

They will investigate and make a judgement whether to settle or not...

"Well, you sure haven't been any help! How do I get them to pay more attention than you have?"

Just show them your nipples!!

Dance Mania

2006-01-18T23:47:00.000-08:00

A "modern" Islamic couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with their Mullah for counseling. The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "We realize it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."

"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we have sex?"

"Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Allah ho Akbar! Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"Allah ho Akbar! No problem," says the Mullah.

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the Mullah. "Allah ho Akbar. Go for it!"

"Doggy style?"

"Sure! Allah ho Akbar!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes! Allah ho Akbar!"

"Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed. Allah ho Akbar!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No." says the Mullah."

"Why not?" asks the man.

"Because that could lead to dancing."

Holy Matrimony

2006-01-18T23:43:00.000-08:00

A 60 year old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The 60 year old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"

The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."

The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"

The 60 year old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"

The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."

The doctor said, "At 106 years why on earth would your grandfather wants to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"

Dick Tale

2006-01-17T22:48:00.000-08:00

"There were these three guys at the lake, a Tamilian, a Bengali and a Punjabi.

The Tamilian took out his dick, put it in the water, waited a while and told the others: "I can feel the temperature of the water. It's 32 degrees Celsius".

The other two were amazed. "Let me try", the Bengali said. So he put his organ in the water, waited and said: "To be more exact, the temperature is 32.3 degrees Celsius".

At last the Punjabi said, "Let me have a try". So he took his equipment, lowered it into the lake and said:

"I've no idea about the temperature, but the water is 2 feet 9 inches deep.

Diplomacy

2006-01-17T22:40:00.000-08:00

The old farmer got a job on the railways as a steward one summer, and the first day he accompanied another steward to learn the ropes. "It's very simple," said his tutor, "just use diplomacy."

"What's diplomacy?" asked the old man, as that was something he'd never needed while farming.

"Watch me, I'll show you," said the steward-in-charge.

Off they went down the train corridor, rattling compartment doors, opening them with special keys and offering tea or coffee. When the tutor steward flung open one door, he was confronted with a buck-naked woman. Without batting an eyelid he asked, "Tea or coffee, sir?"

The surprised woman took the cup of tea and he shut the door.

"Wow, did you see that cutie?" said the old professor excitedly. "She had no clothes on! But hey, why did you call her 'sir'?"

"That's diplomacy! I did not want to embarrass her," said his tutor.

The old professor was most impressed with his teacher. The next day, on his
own now, he flung open a door to a compartment and found a couple making love on the bed.

"Tea or coffee, sir?"

"Tea," the man replied.

"And for your brother?"

Duh

2006-01-17T22:34:00.000-08:00

George returned home late and found a naked man with a hard-on in his wife's bedroom closet.

"Hey, what the fuck are you doing in there?"

"I'm riding a bus."

"That's a fucking stupid thing to say!"

"Well, that's a fucking stupid thing to ask!"

Prison Break

2006-01-17T22:28:00.000-08:00

Some newly-weds arrive to the hotel and the girl tells her husband:

"Honey, I don't know nothing of this, can you help me, please?"

I will Honey, starting from this instant, we will call your thing the prison and my thing will we call the prisoner, so... we will put the prisoner in the prison"

And they throw the first one. and the guy is laying face up on the bed, but the girl was delighted and tells her husband:

"Love, the prisoner is outside the prison!!!"

The guy not very delighted tells her:

"Lets put him into the prison another time!!"

And the second ...but the girl is very sweet-toothed and she tells him:

"!! Honey !!!... .The prisoner is out again!!!"

The man rises, with the legs like a recently born foal.

And they throw the third!!! He is laying on the bed, exhausted and the girl says:

"!!! Honey, the prisoner escaped again!!!"

And he answers with his short breath:

"HEY !, It's not life imprisonment!!

Telephone

2006-01-17T19:06:00.000-08:00

An old man is talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he gets cut off.

He hollers, "Operator, give me back the party!"

She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over again."

He says, "What do you want from me? Give me back da party."

She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again."

He says, "Operator, ya know what? Take da telephone and shove it in you-know-where!"

And he hangs up.Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys standing there who say, "We came to take your telephone out."

He says, "Why?"

They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago. But if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone here."

He says, "Wait a minute, what's da rush, what's da hurry?"

He goes to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello, Operator 28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-where?"

She says, "Yes?"

He says, "Well, get ready -- they're bringin' it to you!"

Americanized

2006-01-16T23:42:00.000-08:00

Two families moved from Afghanistan to America. When they arrived, the two fathers made a bet -- in a year's time whichever family had become more Americanized would win.

A year later they met. The first man said, "My son is playing baseball, I had McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud, how about you?"

The second man replied, "Fuck you, towel head."

Cow

2006-01-16T23:37:00.001-08:00

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the
pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her--how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead , and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair.

But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply
unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything
right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went
down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid.

"I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is
that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son
asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

Pinocchio

2005-12-27T20:56:00.000-08:00

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer : May I see your driver's license ?

Driver : I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my ticket for driving while drunk.

Officer : May I see the registration for this vehicle ?

Driver : It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer : The car is stolen ?

Driver : That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer : There's a gun in the glove box ?

Driver : Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the blonde bitch who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer : There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?! ?

Driver : Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain : Sir, can I see your license ?

Driver : Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain : Whose car is this ?

Driver : It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

The driver owned the car.

Captain : Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it ?

Driver : Gun ? What gun ? ?

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain : Would you mind opening your trunk ? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver : I said what ????

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain : I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver : Yeah, And I'll bet the lying son-of-a-bitch told you I was speeding too !!!

Man Quiz

2005-11-23T18:49:00.000-08:00

Are you an unreconstructed, right-on, rogue male? Or a delivery boy of the new male order? Are you a man or a louse? Find out below.

1) You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared...

a. your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship,
b. your blood-test results,
c. five tequila slammers.

2) Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is...
a. healthy, creative love-play,
b. not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to,
c. not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about.

3) Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just nailed is...
a. the best part of the experience,
b. the second best part of the experience,
c. $100 extra.

4) Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is...
a. no concern of yours,
b. not a problem, she can join your gym,
c. a conservative estimate.

5) You think today's sensitive, caring man is...
a. a myth,
b. an oxymoron,
c. a moron.

6) Foreplay is to sex as...
a. appetizer is to entree,
b. primer is to paint,
c. a line is to an amusement park ride.

7) Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a. "I hope we can still be friends."
b. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
c. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."

8) A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate...
a. probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
b. is uptight and a waste of time,
c. shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

ANSWER KEY:

If You answered "A" more than 5 times, check in your pants to see if you really are a man.

If you answered "B" more than 5 times, check into therapy, you're more than a little confused.

If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"

Wheely Bin

2005-11-23T18:24:00.000-08:00

A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheely bins and emptying them into his dustcart lorry. He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door. There's no answer so he knocks again.

Eventually a Chinese bloke answers...

"Harro", says the chap.

"Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman

"I bin on toilet" replies the Chinese bloke, looking perplexed.

Realising the Chinese fellow has misunderstood, the bin man smiles and says

"No mate, where's ya dust bin?"

"I dust bin on toilet I told you" says the Chinese man

"Mate" says the dustman... "you're misunderstanding me... Where's your
Wheely Bin?"

"OK" "OK" , says the guy, "I wheely bin having a wank"

News

2005-11-23T18:17:00.000-08:00

SYDNEY, Friday: A man describing himself as a passionate masturbator has admitted that he spiked his own drink with the drug rohypnol in order to have his way with himself.

The man told police he deliberately set out to prey on his own company, by slipping the potent sedative pill into his vodka and tonic while he wasn't looking. He said his plan from the outset was to take advantage of himself while his defences were down.

"I was really on the hunt for some self-abuse," the man said. "And when I saw this hottie bit of hand leaning on the bar I slipped myself a mickey, and the next thing I know I was taking myself back to my place."

Police have described the man as one of several predatory masturbators currently operating in the watering holes around the inner city of Sydney.

"In fact, it's fair to say that most Sydney bars are full of wankers," a police spokesman said.

Count Dooku

2005-11-23T18:16:00.000-08:00

The farmer and his wife had worked hard, scrimped and saved to send their son to college. As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large moustache and sideburns. Being pleased with his new hirsute adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents.

On the back of the photo he scrawled: "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?"

Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!"

Brazilian

2005-10-18T23:24:00.000-07:00

Donald Rumsfeld is giving Dubya his daily briefing. He concludes by saying:

"Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" Bush exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, he looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

Harriet Who? Miers

2005-10-12T23:54:00.000-07:00

A very topical knock-knock for those of us who have been following Harriet Mier's nomination to the U.S. Supreme court.

Knock-Knock.

Who's there?

Harriet Miers.

Harriet Miers who?

Exactly.

Preferential treatment

2005-10-11T23:57:00.000-07:00

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady, entered the doctor's office.

"We have come for an examination," said the young girl.

"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."

"No, not me," said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."

"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."

A bug's dick

2005-10-11T23:54:00.000-07:00

A man and a woman were driving down the road and arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off. Angrily, she tosses it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple is a man and his 9-year-old daughter. The little girl is just chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacks the car on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off. Surprised, the daughter asks her father,

"Daddy, what the heck was that?"

Not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies,

"It was only a bug, honey."

The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes she says

"Sure had a big cock, didn't it?

Jungle journalism

2005-10-11T23:34:00.000-07:00

A gorilla is walking through the jungle. He parts the bushes by the watering hole and sees a lion taking a drink of water with his butt sticking up in the air.

The gorilla thinks to himself that it would be really funny if he snuck up
behind this "King of the Jungle" and slipped him the ol' Liberace. So the
gorilla sneaks up on his tiptoes behind the lion, grabs him by the hips, and starts fucking him up his ass as hard as he can.

Then he pulls out and runs away, laughing his head off. He thinks it's the funniest thing he's ever done in his life, fucking the "King of the Jungle" up the ass.

The lion is pissed. "Rrroooooaarrrr!!!" he says, and runs after the gorilla.

Now, the gorilla can't run very fast, and the lion keeps getting closer and closer, so the gorilla ducks into an empty safari camp, puts on a set of safari clothes with the pith helmet and everything, picks up a paper, sits down with the paper held up in front of his face, and acts like he's reading it.

Just then, the lion walks in. "Rrroooooaarrrr!!!" he says. "Did you just see a big gorilla run through here?"

"Uh, you mean the one that just fucked the lion up the ass?"

The lion sits up with a start and says, "Jesus! It's in the paper already!?"

40 Bucks

2005-10-11T23:08:00.000-07:00

Two buddies,insurance man Ray and a friend, decide to meet for a liquid breakfast before the insurance man heads for his office.They are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Ray throws up all over himself.

"Oh, no," he cries. "I have a client meeting an hour from now. My manager will kill me!"

The friend then says, "Don't worry, pal.Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your manager that someone threw up on you and gave you a twenty dollar bill for the dry-cleaning."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually the insurance man rolls into his office and his manager screams,

"You stink of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're Disgusting!"

Ray says, "I can es'plain everythin! Ish not what you think. I Only had a cupla drinks. But thish other guy got sick on me... he had one too many and he jush couldn't hold hizz drink. He said he was verrry Sorry an' gave me a twenty dollar bill for the cleaning bill!"

The manager looks in the breastpocket and says, "But there is forty dollars In here"

"Oh, yeah, I almos' forgot," says the insurance man."He shit in my pants as well."

Another Limerick

2005-10-11T23:06:00.000-07:00

There once was a woman from Dallas
who used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
Her vagina was found in North Carolina,
and her asshole in Buckingham Palace!

Drunk driver

2005-10-11T22:50:00.000-07:00

The car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop. A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck.

"Good lord, mister," he gasped, "are you drunk?"

"Of course," said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit."What the hell do you think I am -- a fucking stunt driver?"

There you go

2005-10-10T18:17:00.000-07:00

Martin wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Martin looks around the room and
sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!"

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Martin asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Martin asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Get your hands off me, bitch! I'm married!"

Moral of the Story

Self-induced hangover -- £100.00

Broken furniture -- £2,000.00

Breakfast -- £10.00

Saying The Right Thing to your wife when you are Drunk -- PRICELESS!

Motel California

2005-09-28T23:23:00.000-07:00

Harry and Sally decided to take a vacation and travel across the country and visit little known rural areas, staying in off the beaten track motels.

They stopped their first night at a motel that must have been at least 100 years old, and one that hadn't had any renovations done since day one. They were
preparing themselves for bed and Harry decided to have one last cigarette before getting in to bed, so he left the room to go outside and have his smoke.

When Harry returned to the room, he actually started feeling quite romantic, so he carefully opened the door and said, "Honey? Honey?.

There was no response.

He tried again, "Honey? Hey, honey!" a bit louder this time.

Still no reply.

Finally a male voice from the blackness in front of him said,

"This ain't no beehive you damn fool, this here's the bathroom."

Cow

2005-09-28T23:13:00.000-07:00

The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in Texas for $200.00.

They bought the cow from Texas and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening.

"Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away.If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked,

"Did you buy this cow in Texas?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.

"How did you know we got the cow in Texas?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,

"My wife is from Texas"

QOTD

2005-09-28T22:41:00.000-07:00

if the bible proves the existence of god, then superman comics prove the existence of superman

--Usenet

Alien Lesson

2005-09-25T22:20:00.001-07:00

Two aliens landed in the desert near a car service station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying,

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said,

"I'd calm down if I were you"

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently,

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien warned his comrade saying,

"You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad."

"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, crumpling mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big green head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien.

"He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied,

"If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't want to mess with him!"

Fucked

2005-09-25T22:17:00.000-07:00

A man with no arms and no legs is out lying on the beach one day, enjoying his chance to get some sun.

All of a sudden, a beautiful woman walks by and stops.

"You poor man," she says. "I bet you've never been kissed have you?"

The man has to admit, no, he never has, so she bends down and plants a good one right on the mouth.

A few minutes later, another gorgeous babe walks up.

"You look like you need a hug," she says.

He agrees that would be nice, she gives him a great one, and walks away.

A few minutes later, a drop-dead gorgeous girl walks by. She stops, a sultry smile on her face and looks down at him.

"Mister", she says, "Have you ever been Fucked?"

"No", he says with a hopeful grin.

"Well, you are now. The tide's coming in."

Chocolate

2005-09-25T22:07:00.000-07:00

A woman goes into an ice cream parlor. She walks up to the man at the counter and says, "I'd like some chocolate ice cream, please."

"I'm sorry, madam," says the man, "but I'm afraid we're out of chocolate."

"Oh," says the woman. "In that case I'll have some chocolate."

So the man says, "No, no, madam. You don't understand. We have run out of chocolate."

"Oh," replies the woman. "Then I'll just have chocolate."

The man behind the counter looks at the lady and says, "OK, spell 'van,' as in 'vanilla.'"

So, the woman spells "V-A-N."

"All right," says the ice cream man, "spell 'straw,' as in 'strawberry.'"

The woman says, "OK. S-T-R-A-W."

"Good!" says the man. "Now spell 'fuck,' as in 'chocolate.'"

The woman looks at the man and says, "But there's no fuck' in 'chocolate.'"

The man shouts, "That's what I've been trying to tell you, lady!!!"

Bike riding

2005-09-25T20:22:00.000-07:00

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home.

He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief,

"This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds,

"Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them!

The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other! How could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."

Sales Pitch

2005-09-15T20:53:00.000-07:00

Jack's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and because he was a good talker they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Jack was getting almost 100% sign up for the top GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting. The Captain decided that he would not ask Jack about his selling techniques but that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Jack's sales pitch.

Jack stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and get killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000. If you take out the supplemental GI insurance, which costs you only $30.00 a month extra , the government has to pay your beneficiary $200,000.

"Now," Jack concluded, "which bunch do you think they are gonna send to Iraq first?

Gate Mate

2005-09-15T20:49:00.000-07:00

I was in the airport VIP lounge in route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink.
I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.

Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said,

"Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."

"Yes?"

"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, Ray,'?"

"Sure."

I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.

About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business.A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.

"Hi, Ray," he said.

I replied, "fuck off Bill, Can't you see I'm in a meeting?"

David Hasselhof

2005-09-15T20:44:00.000-07:00

David Hasselhof goes into a bar and the barman says;

"Hey Mr. Hasselhof what would you like to drink?" and David Hasselhof says,

"I'll have a beer and hey - you can call me Hof."

The barman says "That's ok David - no hassle"

Custody Battle Resolved

2005-09-15T20:41:00.000-07:00

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama last week in Chembur, Mumbai when he challenged a recent ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy had a long history of being beaten by his parents and the Magistrates had duly awarded custody to his Aunt.

However, the boy confirmed that his Aunt beat him more than his parents and refused to live there. When the Magistrate suggested that he lived with his Grandparents, the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone.

In a landmark decision, the Magistrate dramatically allowed the boy to choose who should have custody of him.

Custody was granted to the Indian Cricket Team this morning as the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating anyone.

Less is More

2005-09-15T20:19:00.000-07:00

I went to the bar the other night and told the 'keep....

"A glass of your finest Less, please."

"'Less'? Never heard of it," he said.

"C'mon, sure you have."

"No, really, we don't stock it. What is it? Some kind of foreign beer?"

"I'm not sure," I replied...

"It was my doctor who mentioned it. He said I should 'drink Less.'"

Devdas

2005-09-15T01:13:00.000-07:00

Why does Shahrukh Khan drink himself to death in Devdas?

Any self-respecting man would do so if the two beautiful ladies around him were singing

Dildo La Re Dildo La Re......

Last Wish

2005-09-15T00:24:00.000-07:00

Joe had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Joe's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Joe used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, and then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Joe died.

He said, "You know, Joe handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Joe, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read out loud,

"You dumbass , you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

Stoned

2005-09-14T23:37:00.000-07:00

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey

"Hey! what are you doing?"

The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come on up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints. After a while the lizard says her mouth is dry and she's going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that she leans too far over and falls into the river.A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps her to the side, then asks the lizard,

"What's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that she was sitting smoking a joint with a monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.The crocodile says he has to check out this pot smoking monkey so he walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says

"Hey you monkey!"

The monkey looks down and says,

"Whoa!........how much water did you drink?"

Smart Duck

2005-09-14T23:27:00.000-07:00

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.

"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?". "I work in the New office across the road", explains the duck.

Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him,

"You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".

"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says,

"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!".

"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?".

"At the circus", says the landlord.

"The circus?", the duck enquires.

"That's right", replies the landlord.

"The circus?. That place with the big tent?. With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?", asks the duck.

"That's right!", says the landlord.

The duck looks confused, "What the fuck would they want with a programmer?"

Polyglot

2005-09-14T22:51:00.000-07:00

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.

The two Americans just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous FranÃ§ais?" he tries.

The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?" No response.

"Hablan ustedes EspaÃ±ol?" Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other."That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

Daughters

2005-09-14T22:36:00.000-07:00

Three Mothers, a Gujarati, a Bengali, and a Jat were all talking about their daughters.

The Gujarati Mom said "I was looking through my daughters things and I found cigarettes, I can't believe my daughter smokes."

The Bengali Mom said "Ladies, I was looking through my daughters things and I found a bottle of liquor, I can't believe my daughter drinks."

The Jat Mom said "I was looking through my daughters things and I found a pack of condoms, I can't believe my daughter has a penis!"

Katrina Joke

2005-09-14T21:39:00.000-07:00

Q: What's George Bush's position on Roe vs Wade?

A: He really doesn't care how people get out of New Orleans.

The Perfect Guy

2005-09-14T20:32:00.000-07:00

Guy walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave."

"Who?"

"Dave Aronson. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave."

"There are always a few clouds over everybody," says the guy.

"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."

"He was something, huh?"

"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and I black out the whole neighborhood."

"No wonder you remember him."

"Well, I never actually met Dave."

"Then how do you know so much about him?" asks the guy.

"I married his wife."

Nudity

2005-09-14T19:47:00.000-07:00

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked,

"What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

Nice Dress

2005-09-14T19:40:00.000-07:00

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, James, the night off.

She said they would be home very later and that he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time a the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw James sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door.

She looked and him and smiled. "James," she said, "take off my dress."

He did this carefully. "James," she continued, "take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her.

"James," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties."

As he did this, the tension continued to mount. She looked at him and said,

"James, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

Quotable Quotes

2005-09-14T02:21:00.000-07:00

There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.

Girls are always running through my mind. They don't dare walk.

Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying.

McDonalds in Tokyo is a terrible revenge for Pearl Harbour.

Facts to Remember

2005-09-14T00:54:00.001-07:00

Well, technically not jokes but still funny.....

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(Whoa!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(huh?)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home....... maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig.... can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about the pig??)

Good Shot

2005-09-14T00:04:00.000-07:00

A pregnant woman is in the bank when the bank is robbed. A gunfight breaks out, and she is shot 3 times in the abdomen. She is rushed to the hospital. Miraculously, she is unharmed. After giving a full examination, though, the doctor tells her,

"I have good and bad news for you. You are going to have triplets — but each baby has a bullet in it. Luckily, they have hit no vital organs, and eventually your children will pass the bullets naturally."

The woman has 3 healthy babies. Twelve years pass, and she has all but forgotten the incident in the bank.

One day, the first child, a daughter, comes to her mother and says,

"Mom, a terrible thing just happened — I was using the toilet, and I passed a bullet."

The mother explains everything, and she assures her daughter that everything is okay.

A few weeks later, the second child, also a daughter, comes to her mother and says,

"Mom, a terrible thing just happened."

The mother interrupts her and says, "You passed a bullet, right?" The mother goes on to tell the daughter the story.

Several weeks later, the third child, a son, comes to his mother and says,

"Mom, a terrible thing just happened." The mother interrupts him and says,

"You passed a bullet, right?"

The son says, "No, Mom — somebody shot our dog!"

Sex with God

2005-09-13T23:55:00.000-07:00

This bloke gets on a bus and sees a nun he rather fancies. Something to do with the black stockings maybe. Anyhow, he knows that if you don't ask you don't get, so he turns to her and says:

"Sister, will you have sex with me?"

"Oh no," she says, shocked, "I can't possibly do that. I'm married to God."

Well, he's disappointed, but he sees her point, so he thinks that's that. But when he gets off the bus, the bus driver stops him -

"Hey," he whispers, "I know how you can get to have sex with her!"

"You do?" the guy says, "quick, tell me!"

"Every Saturday night she goes to the cemetery to pray, and all you have to do is lie on one of the tombstones dressed in white robe with a false beard, tell her you're God, and she'll have sex with you!"

Well, he's skeptical, but why not? So Saturday night sees him in the cemetery. Sure enough, the nun comes in and begins to pray.

"I am God," the man declares, keeping his hood low about his face, "and you must have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity. Well, he's pretty desperate too, so he goes along with it and enjoys his romp with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

"Ha-ha," he cries, "I'm not God, I'm the man in the bus!"

"Ha-ha," cries the nun, "Guess what? I'm the bus driver!

Supplies

2005-09-13T03:40:00.000-07:00

There was this Spanish guy, this Chinese guy and this Russian guy all working for the same construction company.

At the beginning of the day the boss comes out and says to the Spanish guy, "You're in charge of the cement."

Then he said to the Russian guy, "You're in charge of the dirt."

Then he said to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

Then he said, "I'm gonna be back at the end of the day to check on your work. It better be good or you're fired."So they all go off to go get their work done.

At the end of the day, the boss comes back to check on their work. He looks at the big pile of cement and goes, "Good work," to the Spanish guy.

Then he looks at the big pile of dirt and says, "Good work," to the Russian guy.

Then he couldn't find the Chinese guy so he asks, "Where the heck is the Chinese guy?"

All of a sudden, the Chinese guy jumps out from behind the big pile of dirt and yells,

"SUPPLIES!"

Mole Hole

2005-09-13T03:30:00.000-07:00

There was a papa mole, a mamma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse.

Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!"

Mamma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!"

Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles.

Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."

Losing Virginity

2005-09-13T03:23:00.000-07:00

A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face.

She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"

"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"

The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."

Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."

"That's right, Dad."

"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."

"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."

Damned if you do......

2005-09-13T03:13:00.000-07:00

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.

"Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"

"No!" she shrieked, aghast.

So, he dropped her.

As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.

"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.

He dropped her, too.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.

"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

Preferences

2005-09-12T23:08:00.000-07:00

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me a six double vodka."

The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yeah, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drink.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back,

"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and again ordered six double vodkas.

The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife!"

Smart Dog

2005-09-01T01:58:00.000-07:00

A man absolutely hated his wife's dog and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the dog was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the dog 40 blocks away. He put the dog out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the dog!

He kept taking the dog further and further and the dog would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the dog there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Hi, is the dog there?"

"Yes", the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone! I'm lost and need directions!"

Nice Pet

2005-09-01T01:41:00.000-07:00

A black guy walks into a bar with a beatiful parrot on his shoulder.

"Wow," says the bartender. "That is really something. Where'd you get it?"

"Africa," says the parrot.

Redneck Sex Education

2005-09-01T00:40:00.000-07:00

One day Ma and pa were sitting on the porch, when Pa said to Ma "junior's 21 years old now" It’s about time we teach him about sex".

Ma said "ya know pa you are right".

So pa said to junior "hey junior come on out to the porch for a second".

so junior came on out to the porch, Junior says "ya pa whatcha want".

Pa said "junior it’s about time we teach you about sex".

Junior said "sex what's sex".

Pa turned to ma and told her to take off her clothes, so ma does, and she does a spread eagle right there on the porch.

Pa says to junior "see that hole in ma? now watch this".

So pa starts going at it with ma.

In the mean time juniors brother comes out to the porch, he’s 18 and says, "Junior what's ma and pa doing".

Junior says "their teaching me about sex".

Junior’s brother says "sex what's sex".

Junior says "see that hole in pa? now watch this".

Answered Prayer

2005-08-31T23:50:00.000-07:00

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only say, 'Hi, we are hookers. Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaims.

"Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in and they say, "Hi, we are hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, "Put the Bible away, Our prayers have been answered!"

Stoned

2005-08-29T02:16:00.000-07:00

There once was a Red Indian whose given name was "Onestone". So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

Ohe word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by ! and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone

She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story? ...

You can't kill two birds with one stone!

Nursery Rhymes

2005-08-29T02:08:00.000-07:00

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

Mary had a little lamb,
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

How Times Change!

2005-08-23T01:41:00.000-07:00

Two Palestinians are chatting. One of them has his wallet out and is flipping through pictures.

Yeah, this is my oldest son. He's a martyr.

Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too.

The second Palistinian says, wistfully,

Ah, they blow up so fast now, don't they?

Revenge

2005-08-21T23:31:00.000-07:00

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the
casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

The cabbie said , "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"

So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out
there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?

"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.

"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"

"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"

The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."

The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.

Cat Mate

2005-08-21T23:27:00.000-07:00

A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.

At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice.

"Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"

"Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?"

There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied "Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone"

"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that stop them?"

"Should do," said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME!"

Black-balled

2005-08-17T22:54:00.000-07:00

A man is lying in bed in hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.

" Nurse," he mumbles from behind his mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to Wash your face and hands"

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Again, the nurse replies, "I can't tell, I'm only here to wash your face and hands".

The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught, so marched over to inquire what was wrong.

"Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"

Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pyjama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pyjamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!!!"

At this the man yanked off his oxygen mask and asked again,

"Are my test results back !!!!!!!!!!??????"

Life after death

2005-08-17T21:56:00.000-07:00

Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?.. and who are you?" he asked. "This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die.. I'm too young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St. Peter,

"you can only return as a dog or a hen.You can choose on your own..."

Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.

"I want to return as a hen." Harry replied. And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But man, now "he" felt like the rear end was gonna blow.. then along came the rooster.

"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel?"

"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before??"

"No, how do I do that?" Harry asked.

"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the ground.

"Wow" Harry said "that felt really good!"

So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.

The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Harry, for Gods sake wake up, you're shitting all over the bed!"

Ding-Dong

2005-08-17T20:47:00.000-07:00

Q:What's brown and sounds like a bell?

A:Dung

Substitute

2005-08-17T20:17:00.000-07:00

Little Johnny's teacher was asking all the kids in the class what their parents did for a living.

Little Mary got up and said "my Dad is a pilot, and my Mommy is an architect."

"Great," said the teacher.

Michael got up and said " my Dad is a Doctor, and my Mom is a housewife."

"Good," said the teacher.

Johnny was last in the class and when he got up he said: "My Mommy, she is a substitute."

Knowing better about his background and always striving to correct the kids, the teacher said, "you mean she is a Prostitute."

"No," Said Johnny, "my sister, she is a Prostitute, but when she does not feel well, my Mommy substitutes."

Bandito

2005-08-16T17:58:00.000-07:00

Mexican Police Officer: "So, do you know the criminal Pablo Sanchez?"

Juan (Just Taken Prisoner): "Know him? Yesterday, I am riding my horse,and the horse he stop to make droppings in the road. Pablo Sanchez step out from bushes, holding very big pistola, and tells me to get down. Then he points to the droppings and says, 'you must eat all of that'.
And what can I do? He has the very big gun, so I start to eat. Pablo is laughing. He laughs so hard that he drops the big gun. I quick grab it, and say, 'Now, Pablo, you must eat!'

"And what can Pablo do? I now have the very big gun. So Pablo eat all the rest of that pile.

"So, you ask do I know Pablo Sanchez? Why, just yesterday Pablo and I have lunch together."

Rope in a bar

2005-08-15T19:30:00.000-07:00

A length of Rope went into a bar, sat on a stool, and ordered a beer.

The Bartender said, "We don't serve Ropes here."

Dismayed and disappointed, the Rope went out and then got an idea. He stopped a man and asked, "Will you please tie a knot in me and separate my strands at both ends?". The man obliged, and with this done, the Rope went back into the bar and again ordered a beer.

The Bartender looked him over and said, "Say, aren't you the same rope who was in here before?!"

"No," was the reply, "I'm a frayed knot."

On the Phone

2005-08-15T02:23:00.000-07:00

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it''s me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It''s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2003 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They''re asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I''ll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

American Football

2005-08-11T01:12:00.000-07:00

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After lying in bed a few minutes the old man rips one and says,"Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football!"

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says - "Touchdown, tie score!"

After about five minutes the old man rips one again and says - "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, - "Touchdown, tie score!"
Five seconds go by and she lets out a tiny one and says - "Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!"

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he pushes real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he shits on the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides!"

Underwater

2005-08-11T00:11:00.000-07:00

A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?"

The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, "You asshole, I'm drowning."

80 Year old Father

2005-08-11T00:10:00.000-07:00

An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"Exactly".

The Pope and Golf

2005-08-10T23:58:00.000-07:00

Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Jewish People for the treatment of the Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ariel Sharon, the Prime Minister of Israel, sent a proposal to the College of Cardinals for a friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders or their representatives to demonstrate the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Catholics and the Jews. The Pope then met with his College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal.

"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Sharon wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete. I am afraid that this would tarnish our image in the world."

The Pope thought about this and since he had never held a golf club in his life asked, "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" "None who plays golf very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr.Sharon as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of co-operation, we will also win the match." Everyone agreed that this was a great idea. The call was made.

Of course, Nicklaus was honored and he agreed to play as a representative of the Pope.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.

"I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said Jack.

"Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I have played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.

"How can there be bad news?" the Pope asked.

Nicklaus sighed, "I lost to Rabbi Woods by three strokes."

Marriage

2005-08-10T23:47:00.000-07:00

"Your honor, " explained the young man, "I'd like to get married,please."

"All right, what is your age?"

"I'm 22, sir."

"And the age of the bride?"

"She's 15, sir."

"15??? That's too young -- marrying you would be against the law!"

"I see, " said the young man. "Would you mind explaining that to the fella next to her with the shotgun?"

The Phantom

2005-08-10T01:53:00.000-07:00

The teacher walked into the classroom to find words like "cunt" and "cock" scrawled all over the blackboard. She suspected Little Johnny,but could not prove it.

"Children," she said, addressing the classroom, "you are much too young to use vile language like that. Now we're all going to close our eyes and count up to fifty. Then, while our eyes are closed, I want the little boy or girl who wrote those words on the board to tiptoe up and
erase them."

At the signal, the teacher and the children all closed their eyes. Then the teacher counted out loud, very slowly. She peeked and saw Little Johnny leave his seat. When she reached fifty, she said, "All right. Everybody open their eyes." She was very pleased with Little Johnny for
doing the right thing.

All eyes went to the blackboard, but none of the words were erased. Below them was the message: "FUCK you, teacher! The Phantom strikes again!"

Hardship

2005-08-10T00:41:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid, we walked 10 miles to school every day, sometimes in the rain or snow. Man, did we feel stupid when we found out there was a bus.

Contraceptives

2005-08-10T00:40:00.000-07:00

Two ladies were talking over the back fence. One asked, "Do you use oral contraceptives?"

The other said, "Oh, no! Don't tell me you can get pregnant THAT way!"

Nuclear Power

2005-08-10T00:36:00.000-07:00

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff ~ grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do
suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power, when you don't know shit?

Difficult Question

2005-08-08T22:21:00.000-07:00

The pretty coed was shocked when the biology professor asked her, "What part of the human anatomy enlarges to about 10 times its normal size during periods of emotion or excitement?"

"I - I - I refuse to answer that question," the girl stammered and blushingly turned her face away.

Another student was asked the same question and answered correctly, "The pupil of the eye."

"Miss," said the professor, "your refusal to answer the question leads me to three conclusions:
1. You didn't study last night's assignment,
2. You have a dirty mind, and
3. Your marriage will be a tremendous disappointment."

Psychology

2005-08-03T00:42:00.000-07:00

A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine's Day night and sees a
beautiful woman sitting alone at the bar. After an hour of gathering up
his courage he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, "Um, would
you mind if I brought you a drink?" She responds by yelling, at the top
of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the pub is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is
hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table
totally red faced.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She
smiles at him and says, "I'm really sorry if I embarrassed you just
then. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how
people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean
$200?!?!"

13 things I hate about People

2005-08-03T00:24:00.000-07:00

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know
where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch
when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire
room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change
the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
Fucking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it
is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people
do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No
tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking
floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?. Didn't really give me a
choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new,
then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement,
then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the fuck?? Life is the
longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does!! What can you do that's
longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come
yet?. If the bus came would I be standing here, Knob head?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So
what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No
it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an
image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't
insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering..... It has to be a
McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks. Well I'll have
a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fucking McTosser.

Good Sport!

2005-08-01T00:08:00.000-07:00

Guy receives a phone call.

"Hello," he answers.

The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan.We met at a party about 3 months ago."

"Oh?"

"Yes, it was at Don's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got
into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport."

"Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?"

"I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."

"Say Susan, you ARE a good sport."

Speaking out of turn

2005-07-31T20:29:00.000-07:00

A bloke is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, "Christ!" he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse?"

"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"