Taxed

"How have you managed to buy such a luxurious beach house while your income is so low"? asked the tax auditor.

"Well," the taxpayer answered, "while fishing last summer, I had caught a large golden fish. When I took it off the hook, the fish opened his mouth and said,

'I am a magical fish. Throw me back to the sea and I'll give you the most luxurious beach house you have ever seen.'

I threw the fish back to the sea, and got the beach house."

"How can you prove such an unbelievable story"?

"Well, you can see the beach house, can't you"?

Foreigners

A teacher in a rather backward, rural area in Alabama attempted to　broaden the outlook of her class. She asked the students to write an essay on his views of foreigners. All turned in more or less acceptable pieces except for little Billy, whose essay, in full, was "All foreigners are bastards."

The shocked teacher made no direct comment but devoted her next lecture to a description of Greek architecture, Roman law, English drama, German music, Italian poetry, Russian novels, Chinese philosophy and African sculpture. She then asked the class to write another essay on foreigners. When she finally got little Billy's paper it said, in full,

"All foreigners are bastards. Some are clever bastards."

A teacher in a rather backward, rural area in Alabama attempted to　broaden the outlook of her class. She asked the students to write an essay on his views of foreigners. All turned in more or less acceptable pieces except for little Billy, whose essay, in full, was "All foreigners are bastards."

The shocked teacher made no direct comment but devoted her next lecture to a description of Greek architecture, Roman law, English drama, German music, Italian poetry, Russian novels, Chinese philosophy and African sculpture. She then asked the class to write another essay on foreigners. When she finally got little Billy's paper it said, in full,

"All foreigners are bastards. Some are clever bastards."

Perception

Two convicts are released from prison as they stand at the bus stop waiting one ex-con turns to the other and says 'man i'm horny' the other ex-con replies 'yea me too'

The first ex-con tells the second 'well hey man we've been locked up for awhile and we know how it works. how about you let me do you and then you can do me?'

The second ex-con agrees, pulls down his pants and the first ex-con does him. So then it's the other's turn, and as he starts to mount his fellow ex-con he starts kissing the back of his neck and gently rubbing his back... when suddenly the bent over ex-con looks back and says

'hey man none of that fag shit'

QA Session

A man was stopped by a policeman for speeding, and does a lot of pleading, trying to get out of the ticket. The policeman says

"Okay, I'll ask you a question. If you answer correctly, I'll forget about the ticket!"

"Agreed!" answers the speeder. "You're driving at night, and two lights appear in front of you. What is it?"

"That's easy! It's a car!"

"Sure! But, what kind of car? Is it a Ford? Is it a Chevy? Is it a Saab, what?", says the policeman, and begins to write the ticket.

"Wait! Give me another chance!" begs the guy.

"Okay, but this is your last chance! You fail to answer - you get the ticket!"

"Fair enough." "You're driving at night, and a light appears in front of you. What is it?"

"That's easy! It's a motorcycle!"

"Sure! But, what kind of bike? Is it a Honda? A Suzuki? Is it a Harley?"

"How the hell should I know!" answered Ray, exasperatedly.

"Sorry, you're getting the ticket!" responded the officer.

"Yeah, well okay. But let me ask you a question too then."

"Go ahead" "You see a bare breasted woman standing at the curve, bargaining with clients, what is it?" asks the guy.

"Oh, that's easy!" replies the officer. "It's a hooker!"

"Sure! But, what kind of hooker? Is it your mother? Is it your sister? Is it your daughter?"

quick-thinking

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy,

"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really," replied the manager? "My wife is from Canada!"

"No shit??" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

All you can eat

A small aircraft crash landed in the middle of the desert and the pilot and copilot wandered around for days and days with nothing to eat.

Finally the co-pilot announced: "I'm so hungry, I'm going to chop off my dick and eat it."

"No, no, don't do that yet," the pilot urged. "Just think of your girlfriend."

"What's the point?" the other man said. "At this rate I will never see her again anyway."

"I don't mean it like that," the pilot replied. "It's just that if you think of her first, hopefully there will be enough for the both of us.

Father

"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?"

He replied, "I'm going to be a father."

But that's wonderful," I said.

"What's so wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet."