Answered Prayer

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only say, 'Hi, we are hookers. Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaims.

"Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in and they say, "Hi, we are hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, "Put the Bible away, Our prayers have been answered!"

Stoned

There once was a Red Indian whose given name was "Onestone". So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

Ohe word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by ! and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone

She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story? ...

You can't kill two birds with one stone!

Nursery Rhymes

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

Mary had a little lamb,
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

How Times Change!

Two Palestinians are chatting. One of them has his wallet out and is flipping through pictures.

Yeah, this is my oldest son. He's a martyr.

Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too.

The second Palistinian says, wistfully,

Ah, they blow up so fast now, don't they?

Revenge

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the
casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

The cabbie said , "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"

So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out
there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?

"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.

"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"

"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"

The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."

The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.

Cat Mate

A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.

At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice.

"Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"

"Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?"

There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied "Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone"

"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that stop them?"

"Should do," said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME!"

Black-balled

A man is lying in bed in hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.

" Nurse," he mumbles from behind his mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to Wash your face and hands"

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Again, the nurse replies, "I can't tell, I'm only here to wash your face and hands".

The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught, so marched over to inquire what was wrong.

"Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"

Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pyjama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pyjamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!!!"

At this the man yanked off his oxygen mask and asked again,

"Are my test results back !!!!!!!!!!??????"

Life after death

Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?.. and who are you?" he asked. "This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die.. I'm too young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St. Peter,

"you can only return as a dog or a hen.You can choose on your own..."

Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.

"I want to return as a hen." Harry replied. And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But man, now "he" felt like the rear end was gonna blow.. then along came the rooster.

"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel?"

"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before??"

"No, how do I do that?" Harry asked.

"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the ground.

"Wow" Harry said "that felt really good!"

So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.

The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Harry, for Gods sake wake up, you're shitting all over the bed!"

Ding-Dong

Q:What's brown and sounds like a bell?

A:Dung

Substitute

Little Johnny's teacher was asking all the kids in the class what their parents did for a living.

Little Mary got up and said "my Dad is a pilot, and my Mommy is an architect."

"Great," said the teacher.

Michael got up and said " my Dad is a Doctor, and my Mom is a housewife."

"Good," said the teacher.

Johnny was last in the class and when he got up he said: "My Mommy, she is a substitute."

Knowing better about his background and always striving to correct the kids, the teacher said, "you mean she is a Prostitute."

"No," Said Johnny, "my sister, she is a Prostitute, but when she does not feel well, my Mommy substitutes."

Bandito

Mexican Police Officer: "So, do you know the criminal Pablo Sanchez?"

Juan (Just Taken Prisoner): "Know him? Yesterday, I am riding my horse,and the horse he stop to make droppings in the road. Pablo Sanchez step out from bushes, holding very big pistola, and tells me to get down. Then he points to the droppings and says, 'you must eat all of that'.
And what can I do? He has the very big gun, so I start to eat. Pablo is laughing. He laughs so hard that he drops the big gun. I quick grab it, and say, 'Now, Pablo, you must eat!'

"And what can Pablo do? I now have the very big gun. So Pablo eat all the rest of that pile.

"So, you ask do I know Pablo Sanchez? Why, just yesterday Pablo and I have lunch together."

Rope in a bar

A length of Rope went into a bar, sat on a stool, and ordered a beer.

The Bartender said, "We don't serve Ropes here."

Dismayed and disappointed, the Rope went out and then got an idea. He stopped a man and asked, "Will you please tie a knot in me and separate my strands at both ends?". The man obliged, and with this done, the Rope went back into the bar and again ordered a beer.

The Bartender looked him over and said, "Say, aren't you the same rope who was in here before?!"

"No," was the reply, "I'm a frayed knot."

On the Phone

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it''s me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It''s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2003 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They''re asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I''ll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

American Football

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After lying in bed a few minutes the old man rips one and says,"Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football!"

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says - "Touchdown, tie score!"

After about five minutes the old man rips one again and says - "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, - "Touchdown, tie score!"
Five seconds go by and she lets out a tiny one and says - "Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!"

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he pushes real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he shits on the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides!"

Underwater

A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?"

The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, "You asshole, I'm drowning."

80 Year old Father

An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"Exactly".

The Pope and Golf

Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Jewish People for the treatment of the Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ariel Sharon, the Prime Minister of Israel, sent a proposal to the College of Cardinals for a friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders or their representatives to demonstrate the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Catholics and the Jews. The Pope then met with his College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal.

"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Sharon wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete. I am afraid that this would tarnish our image in the world."

The Pope thought about this and since he had never held a golf club in his life asked, "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" "None who plays golf very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr.Sharon as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of co-operation, we will also win the match." Everyone agreed that this was a great idea. The call was made.

Of course, Nicklaus was honored and he agreed to play as a representative of the Pope.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.

"I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said Jack.

"Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I have played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.

"How can there be bad news?" the Pope asked.

Nicklaus sighed, "I lost to Rabbi Woods by three strokes."

Marriage

"Your honor, " explained the young man, "I'd like to get married,please."

"All right, what is your age?"

"I'm 22, sir."

"And the age of the bride?"

"She's 15, sir."

"15??? That's too young -- marrying you would be against the law!"

"I see, " said the young man. "Would you mind explaining that to the fella next to her with the shotgun?"

The Phantom

The teacher walked into the classroom to find words like "cunt" and "cock" scrawled all over the blackboard. She suspected Little Johnny,but could not prove it.

"Children," she said, addressing the classroom, "you are much too young to use vile language like that. Now we're all going to close our eyes and count up to fifty. Then, while our eyes are closed, I want the little boy or girl who wrote those words on the board to tiptoe up and
erase them."

At the signal, the teacher and the children all closed their eyes. Then the teacher counted out loud, very slowly. She peeked and saw Little Johnny leave his seat. When she reached fifty, she said, "All right. Everybody open their eyes." She was very pleased with Little Johnny for
doing the right thing.

All eyes went to the blackboard, but none of the words were erased. Below them was the message: "FUCK you, teacher! The Phantom strikes again!"

Hardship

When I was a kid, we walked 10 miles to school every day, sometimes in the rain or snow. Man, did we feel stupid when we found out there was a bus.

Contraceptives

Two ladies were talking over the back fence. One asked, "Do you use oral contraceptives?"

The other said, "Oh, no! Don't tell me you can get pregnant THAT way!"

Nuclear Power

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff ~ grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do
suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power, when you don't know shit?

Difficult Question

The pretty coed was shocked when the biology professor asked her, "What part of the human anatomy enlarges to about 10 times its normal size during periods of emotion or excitement?"

"I - I - I refuse to answer that question," the girl stammered and blushingly turned her face away.

Another student was asked the same question and answered correctly, "The pupil of the eye."

"Miss," said the professor, "your refusal to answer the question leads me to three conclusions:
1. You didn't study last night's assignment,
2. You have a dirty mind, and
3. Your marriage will be a tremendous disappointment."

Psychology

A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine's Day night and sees a
beautiful woman sitting alone at the bar. After an hour of gathering up
his courage he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, "Um, would
you mind if I brought you a drink?" She responds by yelling, at the top
of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the pub is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is
hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table
totally red faced.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She
smiles at him and says, "I'm really sorry if I embarrassed you just
then. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how
people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean
$200?!?!"

13 things I hate about People

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know
where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch
when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire
room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change
the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
Fucking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it
is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people
do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No
tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking
floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?. Didn't really give me a
choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new,
then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement,
then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the fuck?? Life is the
longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does!! What can you do that's
longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come
yet?. If the bus came would I be standing here, Knob head?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So
what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No
it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an
image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't
insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering..... It has to be a
McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks. Well I'll have
a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fucking McTosser.

Good Sport!

Guy receives a phone call.

"Hello," he answers.

The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan.We met at a party about 3 months ago."

"Oh?"

"Yes, it was at Don's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got
into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport."

"Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?"

"I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."

"Say Susan, you ARE a good sport."