Brazilian

Donald Rumsfeld is giving Dubya his daily briefing. He concludes by saying:

"Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" Bush exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, he looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

Harriet Who? Miers

A very topical knock-knock for those of us who have been following Harriet Mier's nomination to the U.S. Supreme court.

Knock-Knock.

Who's there?

Harriet Miers.

Harriet Miers who?

Exactly.

Preferential treatment

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady, entered the doctor's office.

"We have come for an examination," said the young girl.

"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."

"No, not me," said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."

"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."

A bug's dick

A man and a woman were driving down the road and arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off. Angrily, she tosses it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple is a man and his 9-year-old daughter. The little girl is just chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacks the car on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off. Surprised, the daughter asks her father,

"Daddy, what the heck was that?"

Not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies,

"It was only a bug, honey."

The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes she says

"Sure had a big cock, didn't it?

Jungle journalism

A gorilla is walking through the jungle. He parts the bushes by the watering hole and sees a lion taking a drink of water with his butt sticking up in the air.

The gorilla thinks to himself that it would be really funny if he snuck up
behind this "King of the Jungle" and slipped him the ol' Liberace. So the
gorilla sneaks up on his tiptoes behind the lion, grabs him by the hips, and starts fucking him up his ass as hard as he can.

Then he pulls out and runs away, laughing his head off. He thinks it's the funniest thing he's ever done in his life, fucking the "King of the Jungle" up the ass.

The lion is pissed. "Rrroooooaarrrr!!!" he says, and runs after the gorilla.

Now, the gorilla can't run very fast, and the lion keeps getting closer and closer, so the gorilla ducks into an empty safari camp, puts on a set of safari clothes with the pith helmet and everything, picks up a paper, sits down with the paper held up in front of his face, and acts like he's reading it.

Just then, the lion walks in. "Rrroooooaarrrr!!!" he says. "Did you just see a big gorilla run through here?"

"Uh, you mean the one that just fucked the lion up the ass?"

The lion sits up with a start and says, "Jesus! It's in the paper already!?"

40 Bucks

Two buddies,insurance man Ray and a friend, decide to meet for a liquid breakfast before the insurance man heads for his office.They are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Ray throws up all over himself.

"Oh, no," he cries. "I have a client meeting an hour from now. My manager will kill me!"

The friend then says, "Don't worry, pal.Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your manager that someone threw up on you and gave you a twenty dollar bill for the dry-cleaning."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually the insurance man rolls into his office and his manager screams,

"You stink of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're Disgusting!"

Ray says, "I can es'plain everythin! Ish not what you think. I Only had a cupla drinks. But thish other guy got sick on me... he had one too many and he jush couldn't hold hizz drink. He said he was verrry Sorry an' gave me a twenty dollar bill for the cleaning bill!"

The manager looks in the breastpocket and says, "But there is forty dollars In here"

"Oh, yeah, I almos' forgot," says the insurance man."He shit in my pants as well."

Another Limerick

There once was a woman from Dallas
who used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
Her vagina was found in North Carolina,
and her asshole in Buckingham Palace!

Drunk driver

The car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop. A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck.

"Good lord, mister," he gasped, "are you drunk?"

"Of course," said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit."What the hell do you think I am -- a fucking stunt driver?"

There you go

Martin wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Martin looks around the room and
sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!"

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Martin asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Martin asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Get your hands off me, bitch! I'm married!"

Moral of the Story

Self-induced hangover -- £100.00

Broken furniture -- £2,000.00

Breakfast -- £10.00

Saying The Right Thing to your wife when you are Drunk -- PRICELESS!