Man Quiz

Are you an unreconstructed, right-on, rogue male? Or a delivery boy of the new male order? Are you a man or a louse? Find out below.

1) You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared...

a. your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship,
b. your blood-test results,
c. five tequila slammers.

2) Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is...
a. healthy, creative love-play,
b. not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to,
c. not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about.

3) Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just nailed is...
a. the best part of the experience,
b. the second best part of the experience,
c. $100 extra.

4) Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is...
a. no concern of yours,
b. not a problem, she can join your gym,
c. a conservative estimate.

5) You think today's sensitive, caring man is...
a. a myth,
b. an oxymoron,
c. a moron.

6) Foreplay is to sex as...
a. appetizer is to entree,
b. primer is to paint,
c. a line is to an amusement park ride.

7) Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a. "I hope we can still be friends."
b. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
c. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."

8) A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate...
a. probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
b. is uptight and a waste of time,
c. shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

ANSWER KEY:

If You answered "A" more than 5 times, check in your pants to see if you really are a man.

If you answered "B" more than 5 times, check into therapy, you're more than a little confused.

If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"

Wheely Bin

A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheely bins and emptying them into his dustcart lorry. He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door. There's no answer so he knocks again.

Eventually a Chinese bloke answers...

"Harro", says the chap.

"Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman

"I bin on toilet" replies the Chinese bloke, looking perplexed.

Realising the Chinese fellow has misunderstood, the bin man smiles and says

"No mate, where's ya dust bin?"

"I dust bin on toilet I told you" says the Chinese man

"Mate" says the dustman... "you're misunderstanding me... Where's your
Wheely Bin?"

"OK" "OK" , says the guy, "I wheely bin having a wank"

News

SYDNEY, Friday: A man describing himself as a passionate masturbator has admitted that he spiked his own drink with the drug rohypnol in order to have his way with himself.

The man told police he deliberately set out to prey on his own company, by slipping the potent sedative pill into his vodka and tonic while he wasn't looking. He said his plan from the outset was to take advantage of himself while his defences were down.

"I was really on the hunt for some self-abuse," the man said. "And when I saw this hottie bit of hand leaning on the bar I slipped myself a mickey, and the next thing I know I was taking myself back to my place."

Police have described the man as one of several predatory masturbators currently operating in the watering holes around the inner city of Sydney.

"In fact, it's fair to say that most Sydney bars are full of wankers," a police spokesman said.

Count Dooku

The farmer and his wife had worked hard, scrimped and saved to send their son to college. As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large moustache and sideburns. Being pleased with his new hirsute adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents.

On the back of the photo he scrawled: "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?"

Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!"