Dance Mania

A "modern" Islamic couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with their Mullah for counseling. The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "We realize it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."

"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we have sex?"

"Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Allah ho Akbar! Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"Allah ho Akbar! No problem," says the Mullah.

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the Mullah. "Allah ho Akbar. Go for it!"

"Doggy style?"

"Sure! Allah ho Akbar!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes! Allah ho Akbar!"

"Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed. Allah ho Akbar!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No." says the Mullah."

"Why not?" asks the man.

"Because that could lead to dancing."

Holy Matrimony

A 60 year old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The 60 year old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"

The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."

The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"

The 60 year old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"

The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."

The doctor said, "At 106 years why on earth would your grandfather wants to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"

Dick Tale

"There were these three guys at the lake, a Tamilian, a Bengali and a Punjabi.

The Tamilian took out his dick, put it in the water, waited a while and told the others: "I can feel the temperature of the water. It's 32 degrees Celsius".

The other two were amazed. "Let me try", the Bengali said. So he put his organ in the water, waited and said: "To be more exact, the temperature is 32.3 degrees Celsius".

At last the Punjabi said, "Let me have a try". So he took his equipment, lowered it into the lake and said:

"I've no idea about the temperature, but the water is 2 feet 9 inches deep.

Diplomacy

The old farmer got a job on the railways as a steward one summer, and the first day he accompanied another steward to learn the ropes. "It's very simple," said his tutor, "just use diplomacy."

"What's diplomacy?" asked the old man, as that was something he'd never needed while farming.

"Watch me, I'll show you," said the steward-in-charge.

Off they went down the train corridor, rattling compartment doors, opening them with special keys and offering tea or coffee. When the tutor steward flung open one door, he was confronted with a buck-naked woman. Without batting an eyelid he asked, "Tea or coffee, sir?"

The surprised woman took the cup of tea and he shut the door.

"Wow, did you see that cutie?" said the old professor excitedly. "She had no clothes on! But hey, why did you call her 'sir'?"

"That's diplomacy! I did not want to embarrass her," said his tutor.

The old professor was most impressed with his teacher. The next day, on his
own now, he flung open a door to a compartment and found a couple making love on the bed.

"Tea or coffee, sir?"

"Tea," the man replied.

"And for your brother?"

Duh

George returned home late and found a naked man with a hard-on in his wife's bedroom closet.

"Hey, what the fuck are you doing in there?"

"I'm riding a bus."

"That's a fucking stupid thing to say!"

"Well, that's a fucking stupid thing to ask!"

Prison Break

Some newly-weds arrive to the hotel and the girl tells her husband:

"Honey, I don't know nothing of this, can you help me, please?"

I will Honey, starting from this instant, we will call your thing the prison and my thing will we call the prisoner, so... we will put the prisoner in the prison"

And they throw the first one. and the guy is laying face up on the bed, but the girl was delighted and tells her husband:

"Love, the prisoner is outside the prison!!!"

The guy not very delighted tells her:

"Lets put him into the prison another time!!"

And the second ...but the girl is very sweet-toothed and she tells him:

"!! Honey !!!... .The prisoner is out again!!!"

The man rises, with the legs like a recently born foal.

And they throw the third!!! He is laying on the bed, exhausted and the girl says:

"!!! Honey, the prisoner escaped again!!!"

And he answers with his short breath:

"HEY !, It's not life imprisonment!!

Telephone

An old man is talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he gets cut off.

He hollers, "Operator, give me back the party!"

She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over again."

He says, "What do you want from me? Give me back da party."

She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again."

He says, "Operator, ya know what? Take da telephone and shove it in you-know-where!"

And he hangs up.Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys standing there who say, "We came to take your telephone out."

He says, "Why?"

They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago. But if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone here."

He says, "Wait a minute, what's da rush, what's da hurry?"

He goes to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello, Operator 28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-where?"

She says, "Yes?"

He says, "Well, get ready -- they're bringin' it to you!"

Americanized

Two families moved from Afghanistan to America. When they arrived, the two fathers made a bet -- in a year's time whichever family had become more Americanized would win.

A year later they met. The first man said, "My son is playing baseball, I had McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud, how about you?"

The second man replied, "Fuck you, towel head."

Cow

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the
pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her--how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead , and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair.

But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply
unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything
right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went
down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid.

"I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is
that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son
asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"