Stupid Wives

Three businessmen were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale and we don't even have a fridge big enough to keep it in."

The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments. "She doesn't even know how to drive!"

The third, a blonde male, nods sagely and agrees that these two woman sound like they are pretty stupid.

However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every time I think of it," he chuckles.

"My wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bags and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. She doesn't even have a penis!"

Lord of the Rings

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "

I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very pissed-off jeweler phoned the old man.

"There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

Billie Jean

Three expectant fathers, an American, an African, and a Frenchman were in the hospital waiting room. A doctor comes in and announces that he has some good news and some bad news.

"The good news is that you each are the father of a healthy baby boy.The bad news is that we've mixed them up."

The three new fathers walk into the nursery. The Frenchman goes right to the african baby, picks him up and starts rocking him.

"What are you doing?" the african guy asks, "That is obviously my son."

"I know," said the Frenchman, "but I didn't accidentally want to get the American kid."

Morals

I was happy. My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way; my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was my girlfriend's younger sister. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, which made me feel uncomfortable. One day she called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I got married and committed my life to her sister, she wanted to make love to me just once?

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me. I just watched her ass as she went up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house.

The whole family was standing outside and with tears in their eyes, and my girlfriend's father hugged me and said, we are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test.We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

Moral of the story:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

Down Under

These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website

1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow?(UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street?(USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney- can Ifollow the railroad tracks?(Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water. . .

4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise.(Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and HerveyBay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not ...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is. .... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, right after the hippo races. Come naked.

11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia?(France)
A: Only at Christmas.

16. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

17. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

18. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

19. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

20. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

Deep Shit

At dawn the telephone rings.

"Hello, Senor Lucky? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that your parrot died.

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor,that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird."What did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Senor"

Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water
cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on
fire."

"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor."

WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"

"Your wife's, Senor...She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she
was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."


SILENCE...................




"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"

Justified Profanity

A group of nuns were traveling in a car when it had a flat tire. They got out and attempted to change it, but being rather unworldly, they had no idea how to go about it. Fortunately, a truck came along and the driver offered to change it for them. They gratefully accepted.

As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack.

"Son-of-a-bitch!" he screamed.

"Sir, that is inappropriate language," the eldest nun said.

"We understand you're upset, but must you use such language?"

"My apologies, Sister," he replied, and tried again. It slipped again and nearly smashed his fingers.

"Son-of-a-bitch!" he screamed.

"Please, sir, we would ask you again to not use such language," the nun scolded.

"If changing our tire is causing you to do so, perhaps it would be best if you didn't help us."

"I'm sorry, Sister, but I get so upset that it just comes out," the trucker replied.

"Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset. Say something like 'Dear Lord, help me'."

Once more, the trucker attempted to jack up the car and again it slipped. He began to blurt out "Son..." but quickly caught himself and said, "Dear Lord, help me."

At that, the car miraculously rose into the air all by itself.

Staring in amazement, the nuns exclaimed, "Son-of-a-bitch!"

Nipples!

Southeast Treatment Plant, this is Dave...

"Is this the water department?"

Yes Ma'am, for most of this area...

"Good. I have some very technical questions to ask you about the water"

I'll try and help...

"Why are my nipples getting so hard?"

You're not really serious...

"I AM SO!! My nipples... they're hard and they have this white coating on them!"

Uhhhh, huh... hard, uhhh, nipples with white, uhh... stuff...

"Not only that, they're getting warped!"

I see...

"They used to be soft, pink and round!"

I'm sure they were...

"Now they really look disgusting!"

I'm sure they do...

"So I want to know what you're going to do about this!"

I really don't think I can help you. Have you discussed this with your personal physician?

"Yes I have! He said I should call you because he thought it was from the water!"

I see... uhhhh, just why and how does he think the water is causing this?

"He said cleaning them in boiling water sometimes does that."

Sounds painful... can't you just sponge them off?

"Painful?! THE BABY BOTTLE NIPPLES ARE THE ONES I'M TALKING ABOUT!"

UUUhhhhhh.. Now I understand...

"Are you going to buy me new ones?"

Why would we do that?

"Because your water ruined these. My baby won't suck them anymore. He's been sick and I think it's from the white stuff... he used to really suck..."

May I ask how old your baby is?

"He's six, going on seven"

Six... and he refuses the bottle? Maybe he's getting a little old for the bottle...

"DON'T TELL ME HOW TO RAISE MY CHILD!"

I wasn't. How long have you been using these nipples?

"Since he was born"

Hmmmmm. My guess is the white film is from the calcium carbonate in the water... kind of like bathtub ring of the nipple... and they are hard and warped because of being boiled and bitten for six years...

"So! You are refusing to pay!"

Well, that's not for me to decide. I was only trying to suggest they might just be plain worn out.

"THEY WOULDN'T BE WORN OUT IF YOUR WATER WAS ANY GOOD!"

There is really nothing more I can do for you...

"JUST HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY MONEY?"

Well, why don't you just run down to our main office. There you can file an insurance claim...

"What good would that do? Will they give me the money?"

They will investigate and make a judgement whether to settle or not...

"Well, you sure haven't been any help! How do I get them to pay more attention than you have?"

Just show them your nipples!!