Motel California

Harry and Sally decided to take a vacation and travel across the country and visit little known rural areas, staying in off the beaten track motels.

They stopped their first night at a motel that must have been at least 100 years old, and one that hadn't had any renovations done since day one. They were
preparing themselves for bed and Harry decided to have one last cigarette before getting in to bed, so he left the room to go outside and have his smoke.

When Harry returned to the room, he actually started feeling quite romantic, so he carefully opened the door and said, "Honey? Honey?.

There was no response.

He tried again, "Honey? Hey, honey!" a bit louder this time.

Still no reply.

Finally a male voice from the blackness in front of him said,

"This ain't no beehive you damn fool, this here's the bathroom."

Cow

The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in Texas for $200.00.

They bought the cow from Texas and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening.

"Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away.If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked,

"Did you buy this cow in Texas?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.

"How did you know we got the cow in Texas?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,

"My wife is from Texas"

QOTD

if the bible proves the existence of god, then superman comics prove the existence of superman

--Usenet

Alien Lesson

Two aliens landed in the desert near a car service station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying,

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said,

"I'd calm down if I were you"

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently,

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien warned his comrade saying,

"You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad."

"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, crumpling mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big green head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien.

"He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied,

"If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't want to mess with him!"

Fucked

A man with no arms and no legs is out lying on the beach one day, enjoying his chance to get some sun.

All of a sudden, a beautiful woman walks by and stops.

"You poor man," she says. "I bet you've never been kissed have you?"

The man has to admit, no, he never has, so she bends down and plants a good one right on the mouth.

A few minutes later, another gorgeous babe walks up.

"You look like you need a hug," she says.

He agrees that would be nice, she gives him a great one, and walks away.

A few minutes later, a drop-dead gorgeous girl walks by. She stops, a sultry smile on her face and looks down at him.

"Mister", she says, "Have you ever been Fucked?"

"No", he says with a hopeful grin.

"Well, you are now. The tide's coming in."

Chocolate

A woman goes into an ice cream parlor. She walks up to the man at the counter and says, "I'd like some chocolate ice cream, please."

"I'm sorry, madam," says the man, "but I'm afraid we're out of chocolate."

"Oh," says the woman. "In that case I'll have some chocolate."

So the man says, "No, no, madam. You don't understand. We have run out of chocolate."

"Oh," replies the woman. "Then I'll just have chocolate."

The man behind the counter looks at the lady and says, "OK, spell 'van,' as in 'vanilla.'"

So, the woman spells "V-A-N."

"All right," says the ice cream man, "spell 'straw,' as in 'strawberry.'"

The woman says, "OK. S-T-R-A-W."

"Good!" says the man. "Now spell 'fuck,' as in 'chocolate.'"

The woman looks at the man and says, "But there's no fuck' in 'chocolate.'"

The man shouts, "That's what I've been trying to tell you, lady!!!"

Bike riding

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home.

He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief,

"This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds,

"Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them!

The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other! How could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?


The chief replied, "My bike."

Sales Pitch

Jack's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and because he was a good talker they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Jack was getting almost 100% sign up for the top GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting. The Captain decided that he would not ask Jack about his selling techniques but that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Jack's sales pitch.

Jack stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and get killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000. If you take out the supplemental GI insurance, which costs you only $30.00 a month extra , the government has to pay your beneficiary $200,000.

"Now," Jack concluded, "which bunch do you think they are gonna send to Iraq first?

Gate Mate

I was in the airport VIP lounge in route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink.
I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.

Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said,

"Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."

"Yes?"

"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, Ray,'?"

"Sure."

I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.

About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business.A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.

"Hi, Ray," he said.

I replied, "fuck off Bill, Can't you see I'm in a meeting?"

David Hasselhof

David Hasselhof goes into a bar and the barman says;

"Hey Mr. Hasselhof what would you like to drink?" and David Hasselhof says,

"I'll have a beer and hey - you can call me Hof."

The barman says "That's ok David - no hassle"

Custody Battle Resolved

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama last week in Chembur, Mumbai when he challenged a recent ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy had a long history of being beaten by his parents and the Magistrates had duly awarded custody to his Aunt.

However, the boy confirmed that his Aunt beat him more than his parents and refused to live there. When the Magistrate suggested that he lived with his Grandparents, the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone.

In a landmark decision, the Magistrate dramatically allowed the boy to choose who should have custody of him.

Custody was granted to the Indian Cricket Team this morning as the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating anyone.

Less is More

I went to the bar the other night and told the 'keep....

"A glass of your finest Less, please."

"'Less'? Never heard of it," he said.

"C'mon, sure you have."

"No, really, we don't stock it. What is it? Some kind of foreign beer?"

"I'm not sure," I replied...

"It was my doctor who mentioned it. He said I should 'drink Less.'"

Devdas

Why does Shahrukh Khan drink himself to death in Devdas?

Any self-respecting man would do so if the two beautiful ladies around him were singing

Dildo La Re Dildo La Re......

Last Wish

Joe had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Joe's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Joe used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, and then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Joe died.

He said, "You know, Joe handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Joe, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read out loud,

"You dumbass , you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

Stoned

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey

"Hey! what are you doing?"

The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come on up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints. After a while the lizard says her mouth is dry and she's going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that she leans too far over and falls into the river.A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps her to the side, then asks the lizard,

"What's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that she was sitting smoking a joint with a monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.The crocodile says he has to check out this pot smoking monkey so he walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says

"Hey you monkey!"

The monkey looks down and says,

"Whoa!........how much water did you drink?"

Smart Duck

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.

"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?". "I work in the New office across the road", explains the duck.

Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him,

"You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".

"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says,

"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!".

"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?".

"At the circus", says the landlord.

"The circus?", the duck enquires.

"That's right", replies the landlord.

"The circus?. That place with the big tent?. With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?", asks the duck.

"That's right!", says the landlord.

The duck looks confused, "What the fuck would they want with a programmer?"

Polyglot

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.

The two Americans just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Français?" he tries.

The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?" No response.

"Hablan ustedes Español?" Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other."That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

Daughters

Three Mothers, a Gujarati, a Bengali, and a Jat were all talking about their daughters.

The Gujarati Mom said "I was looking through my daughters things and I found cigarettes, I can't believe my daughter smokes."

The Bengali Mom said "Ladies, I was looking through my daughters things and I found a bottle of liquor, I can't believe my daughter drinks."

The Jat Mom said "I was looking through my daughters things and I found a pack of condoms, I can't believe my daughter has a penis!"

Katrina Joke

Q: What's George Bush's position on Roe vs Wade?

A: He really doesn't care how people get out of New Orleans.

The Perfect Guy

Guy walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave."

"Who?"

"Dave Aronson. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave."

"There are always a few clouds over everybody," says the guy.

"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."

"He was something, huh?"

"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and I black out the whole neighborhood."

"No wonder you remember him."

"Well, I never actually met Dave."

"Then how do you know so much about him?" asks the guy.

"I married his wife."

Nudity

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked,

"What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

Nice Dress

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, James, the night off.

She said they would be home very later and that he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time a the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw James sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door.

She looked and him and smiled. "James," she said, "take off my dress."

He did this carefully. "James," she continued, "take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her.

"James," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties."

As he did this, the tension continued to mount. She looked at him and said,

"James, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

Quotable Quotes

There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.

Girls are always running through my mind. They don't dare walk.

Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying.

McDonalds in Tokyo is a terrible revenge for Pearl Harbour.

Facts to Remember

Well, technically not jokes but still funny.....

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(Whoa!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(huh?)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home....... maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig.... can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about the pig??)

Good Shot

A pregnant woman is in the bank when the bank is robbed. A gunfight breaks out, and she is shot 3 times in the abdomen. She is rushed to the hospital. Miraculously, she is unharmed. After giving a full examination, though, the doctor tells her,

"I have good and bad news for you. You are going to have triplets — but each baby has a bullet in it. Luckily, they have hit no vital organs, and eventually your children will pass the bullets naturally."

The woman has 3 healthy babies. Twelve years pass, and she has all but forgotten the incident in the bank.

One day, the first child, a daughter, comes to her mother and says,

"Mom, a terrible thing just happened — I was using the toilet, and I passed a bullet."

The mother explains everything, and she assures her daughter that everything is okay.

A few weeks later, the second child, also a daughter, comes to her mother and says,

"Mom, a terrible thing just happened."

The mother interrupts her and says, "You passed a bullet, right?" The mother goes on to tell the daughter the story.

Several weeks later, the third child, a son, comes to his mother and says,

"Mom, a terrible thing just happened." The mother interrupts him and says,

"You passed a bullet, right?"

The son says, "No, Mom — somebody shot our dog!"

Sex with God

This bloke gets on a bus and sees a nun he rather fancies. Something to do with the black stockings maybe. Anyhow, he knows that if you don't ask you don't get, so he turns to her and says:

"Sister, will you have sex with me?"

"Oh no," she says, shocked, "I can't possibly do that. I'm married to God."

Well, he's disappointed, but he sees her point, so he thinks that's that. But when he gets off the bus, the bus driver stops him -

"Hey," he whispers, "I know how you can get to have sex with her!"

"You do?" the guy says, "quick, tell me!"

"Every Saturday night she goes to the cemetery to pray, and all you have to do is lie on one of the tombstones dressed in white robe with a false beard, tell her you're God, and she'll have sex with you!"

Well, he's skeptical, but why not? So Saturday night sees him in the cemetery. Sure enough, the nun comes in and begins to pray.

"I am God," the man declares, keeping his hood low about his face, "and you must have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity. Well, he's pretty desperate too, so he goes along with it and enjoys his romp with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

"Ha-ha," he cries, "I'm not God, I'm the man in the bus!"

"Ha-ha," cries the nun, "Guess what? I'm the bus driver!

---

Supplies

There was this Spanish guy, this Chinese guy and this Russian guy all working for the same construction company.

At the beginning of the day the boss comes out and says to the Spanish guy, "You're in charge of the cement."

Then he said to the Russian guy, "You're in charge of the dirt."

Then he said to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

Then he said, "I'm gonna be back at the end of the day to check on your work. It better be good or you're fired."So they all go off to go get their work done.

At the end of the day, the boss comes back to check on their work. He looks at the big pile of cement and goes, "Good work," to the Spanish guy.

Then he looks at the big pile of dirt and says, "Good work," to the Russian guy.

Then he couldn't find the Chinese guy so he asks, "Where the heck is the Chinese guy?"

All of a sudden, the Chinese guy jumps out from behind the big pile of dirt and yells,

"SUPPLIES!"

Mole Hole

There was a papa mole, a mamma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse.

Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!"

Mamma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!"

Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles.

Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."

Losing Virginity

A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face.

She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"

"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"

The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."

Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."

"That's right, Dad."

"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."

"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."

Damned if you do......

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.

"Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"

"No!" she shrieked, aghast.

So, he dropped her.

As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.

"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.

He dropped her, too.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.

"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

Preferences

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me a six double vodka."

The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yeah, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drink.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back,

"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and again ordered six double vodkas.

The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife!"

Smart Dog

A man absolutely hated his wife's dog and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the dog was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the dog 40 blocks away. He put the dog out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the dog!

He kept taking the dog further and further and the dog would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the dog there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Hi, is the dog there?"

"Yes", the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone! I'm lost and need directions!"

Nice Pet

A black guy walks into a bar with a beatiful parrot on his shoulder.

"Wow," says the bartender. "That is really something. Where'd you get it?"

"Africa," says the parrot.

Redneck Sex Education

One day Ma and pa were sitting on the porch, when Pa said to Ma "junior's 21 years old now" It’s about time we teach him about sex".

Ma said "ya know pa you are right".

So pa said to junior "hey junior come on out to the porch for a second".

so junior came on out to the porch, Junior says "ya pa whatcha want".

Pa said "junior it’s about time we teach you about sex".

Junior said "sex what's sex".

Pa turned to ma and told her to take off her clothes, so ma does, and she does a spread eagle right there on the porch.

Pa says to junior "see that hole in ma? now watch this".

So pa starts going at it with ma.

In the mean time juniors brother comes out to the porch, he’s 18 and says, "Junior what's ma and pa doing".

Junior says "their teaching me about sex".

Junior’s brother says "sex what's sex".

Junior says "see that hole in pa? now watch this".